Clean your glasses.......

Perception is a mutha………

I have literally been in constant thought all year. Now that may not sound like a big deal but I feel that too much thinking can drive you crazy especially if you are not able to make sense out of anything. Why are these things happening to me? What am I missing? How can I fix it? These are just some of the thoughts that I’ve had this year. It’s like a flushing toilet…..round and round and round.  Although I’m still feeling a little lost it seems that my perception is changing. It finally dawned on me that my anxiety is high because in my mind I’m “losing” and there is nothing I can do about it. I lost another parent. I lost a job. I lost a love. What’s so crazy is that the year is not even over…… So my perception is that from my experiences this year I am going to lose and I need to battle it. Fix it. Make it right. I was listening to a sermon last week and the pastor said, “You’re fighting a battle that is not yours because your past has shaped how you see your present”. This is true because I was in a state of losing or so I thought. Right now even though the past still stings I am looking at things a little differently. Yes, I lost my father but it wasn’t like I was daddy’s little girl. I love him. I always will but we did not have the closest relationship. I tried really hard to build a closer relationship but we were only able to work with what we had at the time. So what did I really lose? It’s the perception of having parents to share my life celebrations. For those that may be a little lost a life celebration (to me) are things like graduations, weddings, babies, success in your career, awards, etc….. Well that is gone. Honestly after my mom passed it was gone. I have never shared a life celebration with my dad. We have spent time together and I have positive memories but no life celebrations. Now as for this job…… they just kicked me to the curb literally a week after I returned from my father’s funeral. It hurt because I was faithful and worked hard. I also have never been fired, let go, or laid off from a job.  Now that I look back what did I lose? I never really had the job. I was a contractor. It was never mine to begin with. I just had hopes that since I had been faithful to them they would be to me. WRONG. Oh well….. Then I lost a love……. Well that was my perception. In actuality I’m still in love. (Yes I said it) It’s just that it’s an unrequited love. (And yes I said that) Sooooo again what did I lose? Oh….I lost the perception that there could be something more. Like I said in the beginning, “Perception is a mutha”. What I have to remind myself is what is for me will be for me and what is not for me will be taken away. It doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing it just may be that there is something else that has my name on it. I won’t have to fight and battle for it either. I will always do my part but it won’t feel like it’s just me. I have to be able to let go of what’s not mine and that’s the hard part. I believe that if I work at it then it will be for me but that’s that square peg in the round hole way of thinking. Today’s post it note on the computer will say, “You are not losing. You are just making room for the things that belong to you”. Like I have always said, “Life is not easy but it will always be worth living.” I hope that all of you are always able to find the positive in every storm and celebrate this gift called “Life”.

AND remember we can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.

MAKE IT GREAT

E

Are you gon' eat yo cornbread?

Good morning,

I’m sitting here thinking that the other day I had three full conversations about “For better or for worse”. If you know me then you know after 3 times of hearing, seeing, or talking about something that gerbil starts running. Even though I am divorced I still believe in these vows.  It was my decision to leave but that was only after I was told that he didn’t want the responsibility of being married. After that there was nothing left to work on. The thing about this particular vow is that both parties have to apply those words to their life.  I do my part to love, communicate and compromise and he has to do the same. Without it then the relationship will fall apart. With me I always want to communicate so that we are both clear and on the same page.  I’m not mad or coming for him I just need clarity so that I don’t have those feelings. Not everyone feels this way and I’m I know that this is one of the main reasons that I’m divorced. There was no communication when I was married. Now don’t get me wrong we were friends and could clown around about anything but when it came to important things I got nothing. If I needed to know something or wanted him to hear something I had to say we had to go to our counselor to make that happen. He even told me that there were things that he would never tell me. Who does that? How can you be with someone who keeps secrets or won’t let you in? Through all of this I still worked on it because in my mind it was “For better or for worse” and at that time it was worse. It would get to the better side right? Well….. it fell apart. Sooooooo……… thinking about these conversations I found that “Communication” was the common element. There will be rough times in every relationship but with communication it can help makes things better. No communication killed my marriage, lack of communication is breaking a marriage down as we speak, and healthy communication saved a failing marriage. Powerful. I can say this…..I won’t be in a relationship without communication. I’m super cool on that. If he gives me nothing then I can’t invest and will fall back. I’m not looking for the best communicator I desire someone that will put forth the effort to communicate. The worse thing in a relationship is to assume. We never assume in the positive if there are no rainbows, glitter, or ESPN chime. (lol) Might as well be single and alone than in a situation lonely and lost. I’ve been there, done that, and bought the blank t-shirt…….

I will always be a cheerleader for a healthy relationship. Everyone wants to be and feel loved and it takes effective communication to make that happen. So get to talking.

AND remember a closed mouth don’t get fed…. Don’t starve yourself.

E

The Hard Way

Good afternoon,

Have you ever listened to a song but never let the words absorb into you mind. I mean you know all of the words but the just never quite hit you? Well it’s happen to me. I love this song “Hard Way” by Miguel. The chorus always moved me but it hit me like a ton of bricks the other day.

You know the saying, “A hard head makes a soft a$$”. That’s what this song is about. I think that this saying was made for me. I am loyal to things and people when I shouldn’t be. At some point I know that things are wrong but I keep pushing…. thinking if I love more, work harder, ask the right questions, be a better communicator, don’t get frustrated, be vulnerable, and be patient things will work out. Seems like a good plan right? Well the problem lies when I’m planning for something that is not for me. So…GOD sends me hints. I hear them but I’m hoping that it works out for me. I grind harder. At some point do get to a place where I see that nothing is working. I start to do something else but I come back to it because I begin to think that maybe I gave up too soon or it would be easier for me to work on this than to start over. I truly believe there will be a reward for me in the end. GOD then sends me another round of hints that this is not it. I can’t lie I probably ignore those…..smh because I have a plan! I am determined to make this square peg fit into this round hole. Finally GOD makes it hurt. HE pushes me out of the situation and I am devastated because I just knew that I could make it work. No I can’t. That is not GOD’s plan. I’m always praying for guidance and for GOD to keep showing me the way. I obviously make it hard for HIM because I’m always off doing my own thing. Just hard headed. Now how do I expect to receive my blessings when I’m not at the place to receive them? If I would have just done what HE said in the first place I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. I can’t even blame people for being who they are…..They continuously showed me who they were and I ignored it thinking that I could handle it. Well I can’t and GOD knows this because it wasn’t mine in the first place. I don’t know what GOD’s plan is right now but I have to let go so that I will be open and receptive to what HE wants for me. My little heart has taken a licking this year and a lot of it is due to my own decision making……BUT it’s ok. I got it now. This heartache too shall pass. I’ll learn from this year and be better with each passing day.

 

Just hate that I always have to learn the hard way…….

 

E

Fill out top portion only...........

Hang in there!

Sometimes these words do not provide much comfort when you are going through it. What you really want is a solution. You want an answer to your prayers. Oh and not just an answer but a detailed solution. Most times it’s not that you are not trying to make things better it’s just things are not changing. You feel lost and your issue is plucking at your self-esteem. So really what does it mean to hang in there? I’m here to tell you it means just that…..Hang in there. I always want to fix whatever it is and keep it moving but there are times that I just have to wait. It’s not easy. We want things to happen in the time that we want it and that’s not how it works. So you do your part and then GOD does HIS part. Easy right? I was watching a sermon and the bishop said, “The hardest thing in the world is to figure out what’s my responsibility and what’s GOD’s responsibility”. Oh how true…… Hanging in there means do your part and then stand strong knowing that GOD will do HIS part. We can’t do both. If we have faith that means that we trust so we have to hang in there.  Do what you can and then stand back and let it go. How do you let it go? (I know I heard you ask that….or maybe it was me) Letting it go is just that. Stop trying to find other solutions. Stop wondering about this and that. Every time something pops in your head tell yourself, “NO” and remind yourself that GOD is working and HE doesn’t need your help for HIS part. Plus, I have never seen any random burning bushes so how will you know when GOD is trying to show you something if you are busy trying to fix your life by yourself? I know that I have personally run GOD a little cray cray this year because I was trying to fix it. I would pray for help and then not accept what HE would send my way because I was too busy trying to do it myself or it didn’t look how I envisioned it to look. Well what’s the point in asking?…..smh. Even now I have to fall back because I don’t want to force things that may now be what I need. I will never give up doing my part I just have to not be so invested that I miss what is being presented to me.

Sooooooo hang in there! You are doing what you can. While you are waiting stay prayed up, spend time with friends and family. Get in to a hobby. Do things that somewhat will take your mind off of your troubles. Be open to that answer……

And remember life wouldn’t be so hard if you let GOD hold your elbow.

(Thanks Athena)

E

    

The Rat Race

Have you ever seen a mouse in a maze? They run around attempting to reach a goal. There are always a few walls and then an opening. When they hit all of the walls they eventually find the openings to continue on their journey. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes not so much. That’s life…. right. We keep hitting the walls until we recognize the opening. Unfortunately, there are times when we attempt to make a way out of no way. We see the wall but still think that this is an option. We even pray for this wall to come down when we have a perfect view of the way out…..we think we know better. We get so wrapped up in something that is not for us that we overlook things that will make our lives easier. What’s so crazy is that even if that wall was to come down there is no guarantee that there is not another wall behind it. Then what? We end up going the way that we should have gone in the first place. Life is not always easy and there will be times when we feel lost but just take a moment…..Be still…. The answer is there and when we let go of what we “know” or what we “think” we make ourselves available to what it really is.

 

*Raises water bottle* Here is to being open-minded!

 

AND remember we are not perfect but we can always work on being better than we were yesterday.

Love you all.

E